The picture below, is me today, not that any of you ever wanted to see me in my delightful and yet, matching underwear set. (All my underwear and bras match, FYI). I do however enjoy furry (faux fur only) slippers. I also, do not keep a clean or organized bedroom. That room is sleeping or sex only. It is not organized nor is it pretty.
This is me today, I am 49 years old and I weigh 235 pounds. I am happy, I am full, soft, round and loving. I am working on health, how to be me, and love all of this, without judgement or disdain. This is my journey to courage, to love and to finding my flow, in this amazons body.It is not always easy being my size in our culture, I am the tallest and biggest woman in almost every group picture I own. I am used to having to altar my clothes and mannerisms so as not to ‘intimidate’ people. Something I have been told my whole life, “you scare people with your size.’ Meaning, I should not be that size. I could post a few pictures of me at 140, or 120 but I was sick and I was dying. And those are in no way the loving, awkward and sparkly person I am now. That is part of my journey.
I post the picture, because today, I love her, unfiltered, tattooed, soft, strong and full bodied woman I am.
A conversation I had two weeks ago, has brought up in me a deep desire for wellness.
I said, “I doubt at my funeral, anyone is going to shout to the rooftops about what an amazing Administrator I am at my Higher Ed job.” “Gabi’s paper pushing skills were the things made of legend? Her ability to put forth a PDF, access database or excel spreadsheet were legion.” No one, will speak to that at my funeral. Why would they?
What would I want people to speak of?
That I was kind, goofy, weird, socially inept, someone who loved fiercely and fought her battles with her own demons in order to just have one bit of peace in this lifetime.
I hermited myself for ten months. I am not un-hermiting.
I am beginning my journey to wellness and life that is filled with more than work, paycheck, death.
There is a wellness that resides in the marrow of my bones. Not the easy wellness of”self-care,” to take a bath, to rest in meditation, or to work towards manifesting something, I have no clue what. Pilates, nope. Staying in bed, sleeping the days away, nope. Listening to people sharing how I can raise my vibration with my thoughts, nope.
I have been, working. Working on wellness in an authentic manner.
Not a wellness that includes, dieting (first three letters, are DIE).
Not a wellness that includes a radical shift in perspective, friends, 24 hour fitness or restriction. I refuse to join a “club/cult” that has me moving away from a deep part of my wellness to give up time I spend with those I love, to spend it with people obsessed.
I’ve spent countless years of my life, leading a lie, a lie of obsession, handing over my energy and time to the obsession(s) with ease and by the end of it, destruction of relationships, wellness, body and spirit.
I had an eating disorder that consumed my life for decades. Bulimia is the common name for it, but it has a quick and insidious manner of taking your life, your health and wellness and transforming it into an obsession food, body image, more food, less food, all the food, purge the food.
I loved all the foods, they loved all of me. And over the years, and decades, I hid it, and yet my weight vacillated from underweight for my six-foot frame, to extremely on a dangerous path to diabetes and liver issues. I live now with fatty liver disease. Not created by my alcoholism (another obsession, that took from me a great part of my life, sanity and reason.) that journey for another blog. No, the fatty liver disease I have is from eating, poorly and too much, than too little, then drinking it all away. So, my gastrointerologist says to me, “you take one more drink, you could very well die.” That is easy, I don’t drink alcohol anymore, I haven’t for 13 years.
This leaves food. I have to eat. I have to eat well, poorly, and eventually addicted to eating. I became obsessed with food and how it responded to my body. I have been on EVERY DIEt there is known to humans. I have spent a small fortune dieting so that I would be “thin” and someone would then love me. I will not list them, as they are triggering to me still. There’s a lot of shame in diets and not succeeding, or succeeding for a small period of time, and then your body decides it’s NOT HAPPY.
I turned 45, life changed in an instant. My body and mind had to go into a deep dark abyss to move forward. I stayed in that abyss, I learned, I rested and I am just now, four years later emerging from the cave I called my life, home and place of rest.
I am creating with a friend a journey to follow, hopefully a journey to inspire and motivate.
My life is filled with the love and support of a small pack of people. My husband, who thank Goddess, loves me unconditionally. My dogs, who are the pack I am the fondest of, and a few dear friends who have shown up and stayed with me through the whole fucking cave dwelling, abyss residing part of my life.
To say this is a rebirth, not inaccurate, but easy. TO say that I was burnt into the fucking ground, turned to ash and have had to reanimate myself from dirt and ash, very accurate. That is this journey. That is what I wish to share. What I wish to work through and reclaim.
The reclaiming now, that is this woman, all of her weaknesses, vulnerabilities, her shame of a lifetime of being told she was never good enough. All the drinking, all the eating and not eating, it led me to this very point that I am right now.Wellness, not sickness. I am not sick, I am on the journey of healing.
I am naked, I am raw, and I am me, at 49. Not always pretty, not always kind, I curse a lot and when pushed, I can yell pretty damn loud so you know “not to fuck with me at this point.” I am a joyful badass with sparkle, unicorns and a completly dark sense of humor.
Yes, life has lobbed some seriously shitty events and people at me, and sadly I didn’t have the tools at the time to dodge and parry, but I now know the tools I enjoy using that make life more fulfilling and none of them are DIEt or crazy out of control exercise. None of them include people with drama. My litmus test, it’s the last third of my life. That is where I reside, now.
Today, I begin the journey of: Fear to Fit: How to Find Your Flow of Love in a Sea of Loss. ©
This is my journey, please do not use it for your own, as it is copyrighted.
This is a BETA version of the journey that I am sharing with you.
I share with you, me. (Before) beginning today, I am putting into full effect, the writing I have done, the journeying in the abyss, and the book and subsequent journey that will accompany it. I hope that you will join me on this journey by sharing in the comments one thing you are willing to add to your life, to create joy. Just for today. Nothing earth shattering, nothing that creates world peace, we all seek, but something that quietly makes you smile.
Here goes life. Let’s live it together and live it in LOVE.
Live in LOVE,
Gabi Moon (BlackDahaliaYoga)